Today, I feel frustrated.
I’m frustrated as I watch James slipping… his beautiful spirit going inside of himself instead of shining for all to see.
I’m frustrated, because I know he’s uncomfortable, and he can’t tell me.
I’m frustrated, because I don’t know why.
I’m frustrated, because he was fully present with us not long ago.
I’m frustrated, because the game keeps changing.
I’m frustrated that the three gallons of raw, grass fed milk that I make into yogurt each week could be doing him or my husband harm.
I’m frustrated, because I have no idea what to feed them.
I’m frustrated, because James asks for good things to eat, and I can’t let him have them.
I’m frustrated, because when a new food or supplement doesn’t go well, he pays for it for a week.
I’m frustrated, because we have to pack a cooler everywhere we go.
I’m frustrated, because we can’t do anything social that involves food without making someone uncomfortable.
I’m frustrated, because it’s not easy to make every blessed thing from scratch when you feel like it’s not helping,
But I know it is helping.
So I block out reality for a bit by plugging in the vacuum…he’s always found the sound of it soothing. And I find cleaning soothing…and maybe he’s onto something with the sound.
And I let him stim away and chew on a spoon he’s carefully held onto after lunch. And try not to panic or Google what kinds of metals are in the spoon and if they’ll do him harm.
And I smile when I see the goofy grin on his face each time the vacuum comes close.
And I smile when I see his sister’s goofy grin, too. Because if something brings James joy, it brings her joy.
And I smile when I unplug it and hear James try to continue its whirring sound.
So I’m frustrated.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for how much we’ve learned.
And it doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for how far my boys have come.
Or how grateful I am to have easy access to grass fed meat, raw milk, and organic produce.
Or that we are able to stretch the budget, even when it hurts, to get what we need to restore health.
Or how I get to strike up a conversation with my favorite employee at the health food store.
Or how many amazing people we have met on this journey.
Or how James now asks me to read book after book after a year of refusal.
Or that a bad day now would have been a good day two years ago.
Or how grateful I am to watch him embrace more people and allow them to embrace him, too.
So, today he’s slipping, and maybe when he slips, I do, too.
He is, after all, my heart.
We’ll come back.
But today, I’ll be frustrated.